Tess of the D'Urbervilles 2: This Time It's Personal January 13, 2017 15:21
Pro blogging tip #12
When in doubt, or when you haven't the time to write anything proper, do some fucking hilarious memes:
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND
SCB Radio - Episode 27 January 12, 2017 09:30
FUCKING COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's the twenty seventh episode of Scuba's SCB Radio show!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCKING COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's a corker this week, boys and girls. You've got an old, loopy, weird thing from Regis, two Robert Hoods and some pure fire mega vibes from Peter Van Hosepipe. Ch-check it out:
1. George Fitzgerald - Hindsight (Catz 'N' Dogz Remix)
2. Benoit B - Week-end Girl
3. Terrence Dixon - Untitled
4. Chino - Paper Rider
5. Robert Hood - Loft
6. Regis - Sand
7. G-Man aka Gez Varley - Political Prisoner
8. Peter Van Hoesen - Casual Care
9. Shoal - Studsande
10. Tallmen785 - Circadian Rhythm
11. Dudley Strangeways - Transition
12. Mike Parker - Meteor Crater
13. Kloves - Eksibit
14. Glaskin - Groundwork
15. John Thomas - Square (Robert Hood Remix)
Everything Is Wrong. Go Play. January 11, 2017 09:30
I'm relentless, me. Yes, well over half of the shit I shit out is shit, but there's always a bit of shit in there that is the absolute shit. That Acid James pun yesterday was fucking quality.
Today, I'm wondering who is going to DJ at Donald Trump's party if Moby has turned down the chance. The 36-year-old, bald-headed fag said that he'd only DJ at Trump's party if Donald released details of his tax returns. I'm not being funny, but Donald Trump is a fucking BILLIONAIRE. If I was Moby I'd be naming my fucking price, not faffing about with tax returns. Why does Moby give a fuck about tax returns? I'd be asking top dollar to spin some discs and attend an historic event, not whining on about transparency. The world at that level isn't transparent. We all know that. So what? Get off your high horse and play some fucking twelve inches, you boring bellend.
There are hundreds of smart arses on Resident Advisor and Twitter making shit jokes about Ten Walls playing, but I reckon David Guetta is badgering his agent as we speak, and he'll be plastered all over the telly in a couple of weeks with an American flag bandana wrapped around his head, ripped jeans with Confederate flag patches stitched into them and a massive pair of stars and stripes sunglasses all over his eyeballs, laughing his head off whilst pointing his fingers in the air to the beat.
Quack Coniono January 10, 2017 13:37
Club Fabric re-opened its doors on the weekend, and everyone who is anyone was there to celebrate...
...I was in Northolt watching The Office on Netflix and working on the artwork for my new dance music project: Acid James.
When I'm not pointing out that some DJs look like other people on the Weekly Review of Dance Music, I'm sat around trying to think of eye-catching pseudonyms that could gain traction in the speedy, cut and thrust world of the dance music...world. Acid James is the quirky name I'm going to use for all of the cheeky minimal hard house tracks I produce on Ableton Live 9 this year. The name and the artwork is as far as I've got.
That's all you need these days, though, isn't it?
Or is it?
Find out tomorrow ONLY on the everlasting Hotflush Recordings blog by Tonka.
Rertoro January 09, 2017 09:30
I started a one month free trial of Netflix on my telly the other day. It's fucking brilliant. I'm watching an episode of The Office at the moment whilst writing this week's Weekly Review of Dance Music post. It's the one where they go to Chasers, but that's besides the point. I just want to say how brilliant and crucial Netflix is. I can watch The Office, and even though I couldn't find Seinfeld, Larry Sanders, Beyond The Mat, Wizard of Oz, The Simpsons, The Wire, The Sopranos, Heat or anything I really wanted to watch, Netflix is ace. I can watch old episodes of Louis Theroux and Breaking Bad. Only Fools and Horses is on there, too.
The Weekly Review of Dance Music roared back across the dance music landscape last week in a blaze of glory, and I've been incredibly humbled by the support and well wishes from supportive well wishers over the last week. I think half a handful of Twitter bots Retweeted it and and there were about three Likes on Facebook. Exciting times lay ahead, and I'm definitely not going to exhaust myself with all this writing because I'm a robot from the year 2525. I was sent back in time by something something to ha ha ha.
Trevino - Slide Away EP is STILL out now.
All I Ever Bloody Think About Is Death II January 06, 2017 09:30
I was listening to that fucking brilliant Tuff City Kids mix on Resident Advisor (RA.552) this week. Have you heard it? I'm going to be really lazy and just say, "80s vibes and 80s vocals with 80s party fire bombs", to describe it. It's a corker, anyway, and you should definitely download it *thumbs up emoji*
Listening to Tuff City Kids reminded me of two things; 1) of being the hardest boy in my year at school, and 2) the Tuff City Kids remix of Transience by Scuba.
Transience (Tuff City Kids Remix) by Scuba is from a couple of years ago, but it's STILL in the shops! Look, you can buy it, and the rest of the Transience/Family Entertainment EP, by clicking on this link here.
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND
SCB Radio - Episode 26 January 05, 2017 09:30
Here's the tracklist:
1. Vin Sol - Front Work
2. Bard - Meldrum
3. Kloves - Dimensions
4. Isaac Reuben - Machines
5. Kangding Ray - Soul Surfing
6. TML - RHU
7. Bleak - In My Soul
8. Blursome - A Little
9. Blursome - Me
10. Antonio Ruscito - Suicide Boys#3 (Tool)
11. Jack On Black - Motor City
12. Arkist - Lessen 1
13. Tallmen785 - In Two Far
14. Isaac Reuben - untitledPEWA
Don't forget to use the hashtag, #SCBradio, when you're tagging all this in your socials. Fuck knows why, but it's supposed to help.
Consilium January 04, 2017 10:23
My main resolution this year is to read more. Specifically, I need to read more dance music journalism because I have a nagging feeling that I'm missing out on a lot of inspiring, creative and interesting work by writing this daily blog every day on a daily basis, every day of the fucking year.
Ugh. Sigh. Remember when ecstasy E tablets were twenty quid and half of one lasted about twelve hours? Remember hard house? Remember Club Kinetic and ripped up pages of Club International in the bushes next to the school gates? Remember when Ricky V was the RA #1 every year? Remember The End? Remember Foreign Muck? Remember Plastic People? Remember the good old days? Remember WRDM? Remember when the Hotflush Recordings blog was about Hotflush Recordings?
Tune in tomorrow for an embedded Soundcloud widget of Scuba's latest #SCBradio show. There you go; that's kind of about Hotflush Recordings...
Alive 2017 January 03, 2017 10:20
Here is a list of people who didn't die in 2016...but should have done.
This daft cunt Retweets Nazis, writes weird stuff for the Daily Mail AND she told Alan Sugar to stick his job up his arse in 2006. I do, however, like her choppy new hairstyle. It suits her prickly, media-savvy personality like one of Adolf Hitler's gloves, so maybe she shouldn't die. Let's just stick her in a room with Justin Lee Collins when he's in a bad mood. What do you say, Dacre?
This fucking idiot got himself into a disastrous rut last year by disastrously agreeing to write a disastrous DAILY blog for Scuba. The secretive, no-face bellend came unstuck by about 26 May when he completely ran out of puff, got happily distracted and started recycling old WRDM posts on a bi-daily basis. He needs to stop thinking he can string out a daily blog on top of a weekly 1000 words for Ran$om Note, a monthly pub quiz and a re-vamped Weekly Review of Dance Music.
The bloke who does Asking For A Friend on Ran$om Note
This mental, middle-aged loonatic needs to die because if he doesn't, the whole world will end up dying...of laughter at his rib-smashing funny photos and their out-there captions/questions/things! LOLoutLOUD.
In 2016, I twice mistakenly posted a photo on Facebook of Ken Dodd with the caption, R.I.P. Ken Dodd, so I'd like him to die so that I can do a third time lucky type thing and finally get something right on social media.
Queen Elizabeth II
Ivan Smagghe and I spent a good half an hour in Betfred on Christmas Day, ripping open our Christmas cards and filtering all of the cash out of them into the bookie's, fingerless-gloved hands. Ivan received more vouchers than cash, but we'd agreed on Christmas Eve to go fifty-fifty, and I'm an honourable man. £270 (£210 of it, mine) went to Betfred on good odds that HRH would become a corpse before midnight 31 December 2016. Did she die? Did she fuck. The rich old water lizard and her water lizard family are still holed up in that massive palace that WE have all been hypnotised into paying for. I do hope she dies soon, but then I'll have to start hoping for King Charles III to die and all, and I don't think I can be fucked with wishing people dead any more. I'm knackered. Sigh.
More dance news tomorrow...
CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN - NUMBER 1 December 23, 2016 09:30
"You scumbag, you maggot". Insults I still use in 2016, and insults I'll continue to use until I'm up in Heaven singing songs and (hopefully) getting off with Kirsty MacColl! Winking smiley face.
Who would have thought that such an abusive song sung by two nearly dead singers would chart so highly on this festive countdown? Me. I would have thought it because I've been telling people for years that Fairytale of New York is my favourite Christmas song of all time.
I love this song, though, and it really makes me want to live in New York and pretend that I'm in a film or an episode of Seinfeld.
CHRISTMAS EVE TOMORROW
HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN - NUMBER 2 December 22, 2016 09:30
I can't wait for Christmas, so that I can stop doing this for a bit. Can you imagine what my brain looks like after 12 months of solid writing on here, plus a weekly 1000 words for Ran$om Note, and now a monthly pub quiz I'm having to fucking write? I'm mentally dead. Honestly, ladies and gentlemen, if it wasn't for the free entry to nightclubs, the money I get and the free coke and blow jobs I get in the VIP areas when I do go out, I wouldn't fucking bother with this anymore. I'd scrap Tonka in a heartbeat.
Right...number two...literally and metaphorically...
S Club Juniors - Sleigh Ride
Here it is, lads:
Number 1 tomorrow. Who's that going to be then, eh?
*thumbs up emoji*
Hotflush On Air #014: DXC Guest Mix December 21, 2016 10:29
Welcome to the fourteenth episode of Hotflush On Air. This week we are treated to a guest mix by a misterious duo from Berlin, DXC.
01. Mark Broom - Two (Syntax Interpretation)
02. Robert Hood - And Then We Planned Our Escape
03. Jeroen Search - Metta
04. Sterac - Primus
05. DXC - Qua Dem
06. Delano Smith - A Tale Of Two Cities (Efdemin Remix)
07. Paul Brtschitsch - Green (Argy Floor Adaptation)
08. Antti Simola - Train
09. Awol - 74.585486, -94.736499
10. Reflec - Looking Back
11. Edge Of Motion - Motion Denied
12. James Ruskin - Graphic
13. Mark Broom - Silenced (Part 2)
14. Salvo Castelli - Raw Series
15. Gesloten Cirkel - Yamagic
CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN - NUMBER 3 December 21, 2016 09:30
This is awful.
I don't give a shit.
Here's the third best Christmas song of all time, chosen by everyone at Hotflush Recordings, including Scuba, Recondite and George Fitzgerald. All of the cool ones. They all chose this one as their third best Christmas song of all time.
Jane McDonald - Cruise Into Christmas
A long time ago, Jane McDonald charmed the eyebrows off of everyone in the United Kingdom with her unique personality, bubbly personality and brassy northern personality. In the late nineties you couldn’t move on TV for Jane McDonald whirl-winding about the channels, getting all cocky and winking at the camera as she elbowed her way into etc, etc.
Cruise Into Christmas could easily be misconstrued as a non-so-subtle nod to the enormous gay following she built up by singing cabaret songs on the telly. It wasn’t. It was an over the shoulder glance back at the show that birthed her into our consciousness forever, The Cruise.
Sorry, this is the laziest one I’ve written so far. Look, I’ve even copied something from Wikipedia:
Unbeknown to many; Jane’s first TV performance, was as a guest dancer on the 1983 Black Lace video for their hit single ‘Superman’ which was shot at the Casanova's night club in Wakefield, where she worked as VIP lounge manager.
Please come back tomorrow for number 2. Please.
CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN - NUMBER 4 December 20, 2016 09:30
Today is Tuesday, and it's the day that I'm revealing the fourth best Christmas song of all time on the Hotflush Recordings blog.
- Why, Tonka?
- Well, I'm on a proper wind down for Christmas now, lads, and this kind of content is fucking easy to fire off in a hurry.
So, get off the edge of your seats and scroll down...NOW.
Johnny Mathis - When A Child Is Born
Although Johnny Mathis doesn’t mention the baby Jesus by name, there is no doubt that this song is all about the virgin birth of our Lord Saviour, Jesus Christ, Our Saviour.
This is what Christmas is all about, ladies and gentlemen. Let us not forget that YOUR new PlayStation 4, YOUR new DVD player and YOUR new puppy is being delivered by Santa because 2016 years ago this month, the three Kings of Bethlehem delivered gifts to Mary, Joseph and their new lickle kid, Jesus.
- Why Tonka?
- I don’t know.
This is what Christmas is all about, though. Santa wouldn’t have started delivering presents to us if the three Kings had never followed that star to Bethlehem; if Joseph hadn’t plonked his heavily pregnant missus and all of their possessions on the back of that donkey before setting off on a MASSIVE journey to Gethsemane, there’d be no flying reindeers doing all of the donkey-work for Santa, and if that tiny star didn’t exist in the sky, Santa wouldn’t have a fucking clue where to moor himself on his round-the-world journey on Christmas Eve. Know what I mean?
No Jesus: no Santa.
That’s the message Richard Dawkins doesn’t WANT you to hear.
I love When A Child Is Born by Johnny Mathis because it’s nice.
CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN - NUMBER 5 December 19, 2016 09:30
Hi everyone. It is 10% Christmas now, isn't it? It's less than a week away and I feel like I'm all sorted. I've written my letter to Father Christmas, I've bought a load of Pringles, I've had a wank over It's A Wonderful Life, I've had a cry over Anal University 4: Christmas on Campus and I've filled three hundred stockings full of satsumas and shiny new pennies for the orphanage down the road.
Hang on a minute, I think I got that It's a Wonderful Life/Anal University thing the wrong way round. Sorry.
As it's the last week before Christmas, I'm wearing a funny jumper in the Hotflush HQ all week, not putting any effort in to do any work and I'm counting down the Top 5 Christmas songs of all time - whilst it's still relevant to do so.
Look. Here's number 5:
Mud - Lonely This Christmas
Great British glam rockers, Mud, take on the Elvis Presley classic in the style of the man himself (Elvis). Lonely This Christmas was the first UK Christmas number one by a glam rock band with a drab name, and their appearance on the 1974 seasonal edition of Top of the Pops is notable for the half-a-second shot of Jimmy Savile slyly zipping up the fly on his tracksuit trousers before introducing Mud as, “the dirtiest band in the world.”
I like Lonely This Christmas by Mud because it evokes memories of being really glad that I wasn’t lonely at Christmas as a kid. Even as a grown up I’ve never been lonely at Christmas and I know for a FACT that I never will be. I might be cold at Christmas, but I’ll never be lonely, so stick that up your arse, Nicky Chinn, you four-eyed Bo Selector looking shit house, you. Fuck off.
See you tomorrow for the forth best Christmas song on record.
Christmas with Or:la December 16, 2016 09:30
Or:la is not only in the Hotflush Recordings gang, she's also BANG into Christmas, so that means she's in the Christmas gang with me. I caught up with Or:la in the special Hotflush grotto in Berlin where we both sat on Santa's knees and barked questions and answers at one another for about a minute and a half.
Here's the transcript:
Q. Where will you be on Christmas Day, and who with?
A. I'll be at home in Derry with my family. I think my cousin's family are joining us for dinner too which is nice (usually ends with a typical Irish singing/guitar session).
Q. What is your Christmas Day routine?
A. A fairly standard Christmas routine: get up, open presents, breakfast followed by a big dinner, red wine and chill all day.
Q. What was your Christmas Day routine when you were a kid?
A. The same, only about 5 hours early!
Q. What was the best Christmas present you ever had as a kid (mine was a Super Nintendo in 1992)?
A A karaoke machine which came with its own CD with only two tracks on it, which I got in like 1996. I remember one of the tracks being You Can't Hurry Love by The Supremes (still know all the words).
Q. What is your favourite Christmas song?
I don't think I'll ever get sick of Chris Rea's Driving Home For Christmas.(neither will I - Tonks)
Q. Have you ever used a sleigh bell in any of your productions?
A. Not yet, maybe next year.
Q. What do you want for Christmas this year?
A. A nice acid hardware synth to get everyone in the Christmas spirit!
What a lovely young lady! I've got a funny feeling that Father Christmas might just have an acid hardware synth-shaped package in his sack next week. And you know what? I think that was the most wholesome interview with a dance music star I've ever conducted, and I've interviewed Surgeon!
Speaking of which, go to Belfast tonight to see Or:la spin some discs with my very dear friend, Surgeon, or Surg as I call him.
SCB Radio - Episode 23 December 15, 2016 09:30
This week's SCB Radio show by Scuba is the twenty third one. It's good. I especially like the acid track on 10 minutes. I'm not sure which one it is because I wasn't concentrating when he introduced it. I think it was the Lake Haze one.
Have a listen, here:
1. Roberto - Dreams Of A Solo
2. Regal - From Other Sounds (Radio Slave Remix)
3. Lake Haze - At The Gates ov Futron
4. Redshape - London
5. Ground16 - Street Dust
6. Mr. Ho - Vintage VST's
7. Funk D'Void - Bad Coffee (Charles Fenckler Rave Mix)
8. Kloves - Oscil
9. 30drop - Unusual Extremes [The Black Dog Remix]
10. Henning Baer - Canadian Suit
11. DXC - Sau Sac
12. Alex Smott, Nhitto - Plata
13. ESHU - Creating Moods
14. Essaie Pas - Lights Out (Orphx Remix)
15. Antigone - Shadow Play
News '75 December 14, 2016 09:30
Kanye West went to see Donald Trump yesterday. That was in the news, ladies and gentlemen. It was! LOLoutLOUD. Oi. He did. No. Kanye went up Trump's Tower for a one-to-one. Oi. Missus. No. He did. Bless them. Matron told me that when they were done, Donald said, "where's me trousers?" No. Oi. Don't laugh at that one, missus. You'll hate yourself in the morning. You will! Ooh, no. Shut it. Oh, please yourself!
What they didn't report in the news, however, is that I, Tonka, went to see Chas & Dave on Saturday night. I did, ladies and gentlemen. Ooooooh, I did. And they were good...for about fifteen minutes, missus. Oi. No. They were, but they don't half go on. After the third George Formby cover, I said to Matron, I said, "they don't half go on, this Chas & Dave". And they're not young men anymore, are they, ladies and gentlemen? They're all Dave and no Chas these days, if you ask me, missus. Yes, that's it. Oooh. Get that titter out. Don't keep your titters in, readers. Never keep your titters in. Go on, get your titters out. No. Shush. Oh, please yourself!
Scuba. Remember him? Here. Scuba is officially, if you take Resident Advisor officially, the 77th best DJ in the world. No. Don't laugh at him...he might want paying. No, he is. Shush. Don't. It's wicked to mock the afflicted. No, it is! Scuba is the 77th best DJ in the world. He is. I don't know how they rate these DJs, missus, but if you ask me, I had Scuba on 69 last week. What? No! Oooh, no, please, missus! No. Stop it. No. Don't mock the afflicted. No, don't. Nay, nay and thrice nay! Oh, please yourself!
Oh! I forgot to say, you have to read today's post whilst pretending to be Frankie Howerd. Sorry.
DJ Samsung Galaxy December 13, 2016 09:30
You know all them trendy DJs who call themselves DJ Seinfeld, and DJ Mid-20s, and DJ Office Manager, and DJ Boring, and DJ Chas & Dave, and DJ Ross from Friends, and DJ Margaret Thatcher, and DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ, and DJ Feet, and DJ Anklepants, and DJ Panel Beater, and DJ RAEX, and DJ Fact Mag Page 4, and DJ WRDM, and DJ Windows 98, and DJ Notepad, and DJ is a DJ? I reckon I should be one of them DJs because, apparently, all you need is a fucking stupid name, access to Microsoft Paint, some trendy mates and a crack copy of Ableton. I've got all of them except for the stupid name, so from now on I'm going under the DJ name, DJ Bish Bash Bosh, and I'm jumping all over the lo-fi bandwagon like, no, hang on a minute, DJ Bish Bash Bosh is too stupid. How about DJ Kebab Meat and Chips?
Yes, I like that. DJ Kebab Meat and Chips is a fucking brilliant lo-fi house DJ name. I'm having that.
All I need now is my mate at VICE to start writing about me and Tweeting about me. I can knock out a tune before the weekend and get the hype train rolling. Tonka can be my writing name, DJ Kebab Meat and Chips can be my DJ and production name. Who's with me?
Hotflush have first dibs on my output. Ok?
Once I've got people talking about me, a couple of online magazines can completely miss the point and make out that I'm shit without, probably, listening to my excellent tunes. That DJ Seinfeld stuff is ace, and anyone who likes Seinfeld is alright by me. My favourite Seinfeld episode (off the top of my head) is when George gets caught lying about something.
What's YOUR favourite Seinfeld episode, DJ Seinfeld? I'm going to tag him in on the Tweet when I publish this post, so hopefully he'll be able to answer that question when he reads this bit.
And before anyone thinks I'm only talking about lo-fi house now because I'm just a reactive writer who is so far away from the curve that I'm sat in somebody else's back garden, I'm not.
If I can get Time 4 Oral, Then We Gettin' Down on YouTube before the weekend, I will. I've just made a start by sampling the hi-hat pattern from a remix of Just Let Go by Petra & Co, and speeding it up to 138.09bpm.
See you tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen.
DXC - Rạng đông December 12, 2016 12:29
Rạng đông is the brilliant debut EP by DXC on Tidy Trax, I mean, Innervisions, I mean, Positiva, I mean, Bedrock, I mean, Hotflush Recordings. DXC are a mysterious duo from Germany, and they make dance music as it should be made: for dancing to in nightclubs with your mates whilst off your rocker on all sorts.
I listened to this EP last night on my own in my three-bedroom house in Northolt whilst drinking tea, eating (drinking?) strawberry yoghurt and keeping both eyes on the next door neighbours front garden through the living room window. They weren't half making a racket.
Yes, I've been experiencing severe problems with my next door neighbours, Smiley and Gemma. The only way I can cope is to listen to music that fits the following criteria:
- stripped down / raw
- essential / minimal
- referencing golden era tech like: Mr. G / Terry Francis / Eddie Richards
- organic / dynamic / present / accessible / refreshing / on point
- perfectly executed / no bullshit dj tools
- deep / dope
Hang on a minute, that list is exactly the same as the list my very dear friend, and well-known Berlin DJ, CONTENT REMOVED BY THE HOTFLUSH RECORDINGS HYPE DEPARTMENT, wrote down when I asked them to describe the debut EP by DXC!
It's a funny old world. If it wasn't for the music of DXC, I'd be in prison now for murdering a deadbeat dad and his sad, silent missus.
A Christmas Interview With... December 09, 2016 11:08
Today's Christmas interview was going to be with The Black Madonna, and then with Or:la, but, for one reason or another, we haven't been able to make either work today - through no fault or endeavour. It just hasn't worked out. Ok?
So, I may as well answer these fucking questions myself. For content's sake.
A. I'll be in Northolt with my family. Next.
A. Wake up, run downstairs to see if Santa has been, open my presents, drink some tea, put all the wrapping in a bin bag, start boozing at 10am.
A. Same as above.
A. A Super Nintendo in 1992.
Q. Chris Rea - Driving Home For Christmas.
Tonka's XXXmas Merchandise December 07, 2016 10:45
Get your wallets and your purses out and get in before this lot SELLS OUT quicker than a DJ begging for votes on social media in November. I've crafted some lovely Christmas merchandise for you to buy for your loved ones, and if you think you've seen this post before, on another website, you're wrong, because you haven't.
Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live Christmas Jumper
Make your Christmas dinner go BANG with these hilarious novelty DJ crackers. All you need to do is pull one end whilst someone else at the dinner table pulls the other end. If you both pull hard enough, the middle of the cracker will go BANG, and a dance music-related joke will fall out. All you'll then need to do is read the joke out loud and everyone will fall about clutching their sides.
The Spencer Parker, DVS1, DJ Pete and Len Faki Novelty Crackers are guaranteed to deliver belly laughs or your money back
£25.00 per box
Official Hotflush Bootleg Star Wars Lightsabers: Sabre Swords.
The Nights Before, During and After Christmas DVD starring Brandi Love and Tonka
One for the grown-ups. This is my first foray into the world of adult entertainment, and it was an honour to share the stage/kitchen floor with the legendary Brandi Love.
Christmas cums early (I don't mean prematurely though) in this wild, sex romp video set on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. When Tonka (played expertly by Tonka) hears something on the roof of his house, he initially thinks it's Christmas Eve burglars, so he creeps downstairs to the living room in just his tight-fitting boxer shorts to protect his massive Christmas tree from being robbed. However, he gets the surprise of his life when none other than Santa's wife, Mrs. XXXmas (played expertly by Brandi Love), tumbles down the chimney! She quickly explains who she is and informs Tonka that Santa can't do the rounds this year due to being too old, too slow and "too fucking ugly."
The next three hours show what happens when you put a fit, well hung dance writer in the same house as an older, bored and horny housewife on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
For the role, I put on a really deep American accent. It just sounds better than hearing a West Midlands one in a porn video. Brandi Love set her accent deeper than usual as well. Read the next bit of dialogue from the film in a really deep American accent, and you'll get an idea of how erotic this DVD is:
Tonka - Don't cha feel bad about all them kids in the world waking up today with nothing under their Christmas trees?
Mrs. XXXmas - I don't give a fucking shit, Tonka. I just want that fucking cock in my ass.
Let's just say that if you like watching Christmas films that show - in graphic detail - missionary positions, 69s, her on top, from behind, doggy style, backwards cowgirl, licking out, rimming, tea-bagging, facials, swallowing, blow jobs, rainbow kissing, tops and fingers, mutual foreplay, spitting, pissing, role play, tits, tossing the salad, cream pies, anal, nipple play, face sitting, raw...well, I don't want to go into too much detail, but you get my drift. Winking smiley face.
Good stuff, eh? Contact me through telekinetics if you want to buy any of it, and I'll DEFINITELY sort you out.
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