Dilly-Ding, Dilly-Dong - Football Special May 09, 2016 09:30
I don't JUST write about dance music. I also like football and am very good at writing about that, too. Listen to this: I used to hate it when West Brom were doing well and getting promoted to the Premier League every couple of years because I hate band-wagon jumpers and glory hunters. Walsall town centre would be ramma-jamma with real and fake West Brom tops whenever we had a sniff of the big time. I live in London now, so I don't have a clue if people are still weari...this bit's boring, sorry. It's great that Leicester have done so well this year though, isn't it?
Here's the review of their heart-warming, trophy-lifting final home game at the weekend that I wrote especially for The Guardian Sport (who have just rejected it):
Claudio Ranieri's war cry sounded loud and clear, "DILLY-DING, DILLY-DONG! GET IT IN THE FUCKING MIXER, DRINKS! VARDS, RUN THE FUCKING CHANNELS! DILLY-DING, DILLY-DONG! MAN ON, MORGS! DILLY-DING, DILLY-DONG! FUCKING CLEAR IT!" Everton were winning 0-1 at the Leicester Stadium in Leicester with only 1 minute left to go and the gaffer was fuming. 1 minute and 11 hungry Scousers stood between The Leicester Foxes and the EPL championship trophy. They had to break them down.
"DILLY-DING, DILLY-DONG! KINGSY, SCORE A GOAL...NOW!"
THWACK. With a swipe of his telescopic left leg, Andy King submitted to his master's order and scored the equalizer. 1-1: game on. EPL trophy success on. Leicester fans across the globe stood up and chewed the fuck out of their fingernails in unison. One more goal was needed for the city of Leicester to explode, in a good way.
Thirty seconds remained. Glory hunting cunts all over Leicester who had never expressed any interest in their local team until February 2016, paraded unpleasantly up and down Gallowtree Gate with their brand-new LCFC replica tops on, waving over-sized blue and white chequered flags with pictures of Claudio's ever-smiling face on it, regularly checking the BBC Sport app on their smart phones. Their time was now and they new it.
"DILLY-DING, DILLY-DONG! VARDS, GET AND SCORE A PENALTY KICK...NOW!"
TIMBERRRRRR. Jamie Vardy sneakily drew a penalty out of the witless Scouse defender, dropping like a five pence piece out of an old lady's hand at a challenge that would have definitely not been penalised in the 1970s. The referee pointed to the spot to the applause of a nation and the lifting of 30,000 over-sized blue and white foam hands.
A confident Vards stepped up to take the pen, "Chat shit, get banged, 'keeper. Here comes our winning goal."
CRACK. Bottom left hand corner. Schmeichel had no chance. It was a fucking net buster.
"DILLY-DING, DILLY-DONG! WELL DONE, VARDS! YOU'VE SCORED THE WINNING GOAL AND THE EPL CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY IS OURS FOR THE TAKING!"
With the score at 2-1 to Leicester, Gary Lineker finally started to take his clothes off, but a blood-thirsty Ranieri wasn't finished.
"DILLY-DING, DILLY-DONG! IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL THE FAT LADY SINGS, LADS. THERE ARE STILL TEN SECONDS LEFT ON THE ASSISTANT REFEREE'S BOARD! SCORE ANOTHER GOAL...NOW!"
Wes Morgan screamed at his troops to keep their composure before launching a trademark cannon ball Hail Mary into the box, "ON YOUR HEAD, VARDS!"
The rest is history. Jamie Vardy made the score 3-1 to the Leicester Foxes with the last kick of the game, an over-head bicycle kick, and with Manchester United and the Hotspurs unable to make up ground on Friday night, the King Power Stadium was chockablock with the success of a team who could hardly string a fucking pass together last season because of the hapless, shit-for-brained tactics of Nigel Pearson. Thank FUCK they got Claudio in because without the dilly-ding, dilly-dong tactics of the Italian football genius, this bunch of over-paid, fuck-ugly journeymen would have been down with Villa around the same time as all the sad, middle-aged rugby fans, tourists and school kids in Leicester suddenly started to support their local football team.
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