Cold June 21, 2016 11:27

I've got a cold, ladies and gentlemen, and it's not even one of those colds you get after slamming too much gak up your nose down your favourite nightclub on a weekend. It's a normal cold that makes you feel shit, but not very guilty or depressed. The best kind of cold. A normal one. Know what I mean?

Having a cold always reminds me of the time I ran over a dog in 2009, just after passing my test. It was a cold day, very cold. When I went for a piss in the morning, the entire stream of urine froze solid from the end of my willy to the base of the pan and I had to pluck it all out of my wee hole like Excalibur. And when I went to wash my hands, all of the water in the tap froze like the pavements in the North Pole. It was a very cold day, everybody. It was so cold that I had to wear a pair of gloves, a woolly hat, a scarf, a vest underneath the t-shirt below my chunky jumper, a pair of pants, two socks, some jeans and a big pair of boots before leaving the house. That's how cold it was. It was so cold, boys and girls, that when I left the house I couldn't even fuck me, this is abysmal. Sorry.

Here's a good track to listen to when you're not feeling very well. It's Mother & Child by Paul Woolford on Tidy Trax.

Only joking. It's out now on Ed Banger.

Only joking. It came out last week on Mau5trap.

Only joking. It comes out soon on Hotflush Recordings.


Buy Mother & Child on Hotflush Recordings from my good friends at Phonica here now.