Give to Charity NOW June 06, 2016 11:13

Do you remember the time I raised loads of money for the homeless charity, Shelter? Do you? It was when I ran the London Marathon in under four hours. Do you remember that? Thousands of pounds, I raised. Thousands. Do you remember? Well, remembering the time I raised thousands of pounds for a homeless charity always reminds me of the time a homeless man in Walsall accurately profiled my mate, Draper, in 2001.

At the time, Draper was a twenty year old World of Warcraft enthusiast and virgin who was desperate to finally rattle a bird like what I had done by the age of eleven. Blessed with an exceptionally English ruddy complexion and a permanently dour expression and scowl on his face, Draper was always a hit with the ladies, but, at the time (2001) he had yet to ensnare one of them into his single bed at his parent's house for a 2-in-a-bed sex romp. He didn't smash his cherry to pieces until the summer of 2003, but that is not the point of today's post.

In 2001, when he was a ruddy-cheeked virgin, Draper arrogantly tossed a Big Mac wrapper into the face of a bedraggled tramp who was begging for tea money outside of the Walsall Yates Wine Lodge. It was a cold December night, I think. We were all wearing tinsel. As the proud vagrant aggressively wiped the Big Mac wrapper from his face (licking his lips as he did so to catch that delicious Maccy D sauce), he screamed the words, "FUCK OFF, RED FACE NO SHAG!"

How did this unlucky, hunched and paralytic old man know that Draper was a virgin? He was red-faced, that was plain to see, but how, HOW, could he have known that Draper was a virgin?

I like to think that the homeless man was Jesus and it was God and Mary who had told him that Draper hadn't yet dipped his wick. It was the mission of Jesus to come back to Earth and take the indignity of having a hamburger wrapper thrown in his face to take away our sins (again), and it was also His mission to hold a mirror up to Draper as a symbol and warning to us all that if we treat the homeless with disrespect, then our deepest, most embarrassing secrets (like still being a virgin at twenty) will be revealed to the world for all to see.

Well, well, well. That was the first ever parable on an underground techno website. Eat that, Ostgut Ton.