Blogging 69 September 12, 2016 11:17

Monday morning comes around quick, doesn't it? I've got fuck all prepared for today! Sorry. To be honest, I never have anything prepared on a Monday morning, I wing Monday mornings on here every single week. It's easy.

If you want to be a low-mid level blogger like Tonka on a mid-high level underground house and techno record label website like Hotflush Recordings, I'll show you how. Follow me...

First, you need a voice. We've all got one, right? WRONG. A lot of dunderheads who think they can write about dance music and start a blog about it FAIL because they have no writing voice worth listening to/reading. Mine is original and recognised throughout the (dance) world. It's a well-known fact that I was the first dance blogger to be outright sexist, foul-mouthed and nigh-on obsessed with talking about wanking whilst mixing in tales about my clubbing history, my predictions for clubbing's future, music and club night reviews and interviews with proper DJs and producers, and Jeremy Healy. The Weekly Review of Dance Music was fucking brilliant, and it marked me out as the one to watch in 2011.

It's late-2016 now and, if I'm honest with myself, I haven't really pushed on from the level I started at. Maybe I should have played the game a little more and not got into fights with people at Mixmag, VICE and Resident Advisor (when was the last time they featured anything by me in their Feed, eh?). In hindsight, I shouldn't have taken the piss out of Red Bull Music Academy. I shouldn't have written an anecdote about anal sex and mint choc chip ice cream one week before I was supposed to interview Kate Hutchinson from the Guardian for my short-lived, but highly respected PEER to PEER series. I can't describe the level of embarrassment I reached when I was forced to read back extracts from my anal sex/mint choc chip anecdote in an email from Kate, who had politely copied and pasted the reason why she wouldn't be letting me interview her anymore.

I could have been somebody by now. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. I'm a terrific writer, a really, really terrific writer. I know all the words, and my sentences are second to none. What have I done? Nobody is even going to read this. Upside down smiley face.

So, in summary then, start a blog, lick everyone in dance music's bum for a bit and get on the payroll at a serious website or magazine. DON'T BE ANOTHER TONKA.