DJ Samsung Galaxy December 13, 2016 09:30

You know all them trendy DJs who call themselves DJ Seinfeld, and DJ Mid-20s, and DJ Office Manager, and DJ Boring, and DJ Chas & Dave, and DJ Ross from Friends, and DJ Margaret Thatcher, and DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ, and DJ Feet, and DJ Anklepants, and DJ Panel Beater, and DJ RAEX, and DJ Fact Mag Page 4, and DJ WRDM, and DJ Windows 98, and DJ Notepad, and DJ is a DJ? I reckon I should be one of them DJs because, apparently, all you need is a fucking stupid name, access to Microsoft Paint, some trendy mates and a crack copy of Ableton. I've got all of them except for the stupid name, so from now on I'm going under the DJ name, DJ Bish Bash Bosh, and I'm jumping all over the lo-fi bandwagon like, no, hang on a minute, DJ Bish Bash Bosh is too stupid. How about DJ Kebab Meat and Chips?

Yes, I like that. DJ Kebab Meat and Chips is a fucking brilliant lo-fi house DJ name. I'm having that.

All I need now is my mate at VICE to start writing about me and Tweeting about me. I can knock out a tune before the weekend and get the hype train rolling. Tonka can be my writing name, DJ Kebab Meat and Chips can be my DJ and production name. Who's with me?

Hotflush have first dibs on my output. Ok?

Once I've got people talking about me, a couple of online magazines can completely miss the point and make out that I'm shit without, probably, listening to my excellent tunes. That DJ Seinfeld stuff is ace, and anyone who likes Seinfeld is alright by me. My favourite Seinfeld episode (off the top of my head) is when George gets caught lying about something.

What's YOUR favourite Seinfeld episode, DJ Seinfeld? I'm going to tag him in on the Tweet when I publish this post, so hopefully he'll be able to answer that question when he reads this bit.

And before anyone thinks I'm only talking about lo-fi house now because I'm just a reactive writer who is so far away from the curve that I'm sat in somebody else's back garden, I'm not.

I've been using MS Paint since July 2011.

If I can get Time 4 Oral, Then We Gettin' Down on YouTube before the weekend, I will. I've just made a start by sampling the hi-hat pattern from a remix of Just Let Go by Petra & Co, and speeding it up to 138.09bpm.

See you tomorrow, ladies and gentlemen.