News '75 December 14, 2016 09:30

Kanye West went to see Donald Trump yesterday. That was in the news, ladies and gentlemen. It was! LOLoutLOUD. Oi. He did. No. Kanye went up Trump's Tower for a one-to-one. Oi. Missus. No. He did. Bless them. Matron told me that when they were done, Donald said, "where's me trousers?" No. Oi. Don't laugh at that one, missus. You'll hate yourself in the morning. You will! Ooh, no. Shut it. Oh, please yourself!

What they didn't report in the news, however, is that I, Tonka, went to see Chas & Dave on Saturday night. I did, ladies and gentlemen. Ooooooh, I did. And they were good...for about fifteen minutes, missus. Oi. No. They were, but they don't half go on. After the third George Formby cover, I said to Matron, I said, "they don't half go on, this Chas & Dave". And they're not young men anymore, are they, ladies and gentlemen? They're all Dave and no Chas these days, if you ask me, missus. Yes, that's it. Oooh. Get that titter out. Don't keep your titters in, readers. Never keep your titters in. Go on, get your titters out. No. Shush. Oh, please yourself!

Scuba. Remember him? Here. Scuba is officially, if you take Resident Advisor officially, the 77th best DJ in the world. No. Don't laugh at him...he might want paying. No, he is. Shush. Don't. It's wicked to mock the afflicted. No, it is! Scuba is the 77th best DJ in the world. He is. I don't know how they rate these DJs, missus, but if you ask me, I had Scuba on 69 last week. What? No! Oooh, no, please, missus! No. Stop it. No. Don't mock the afflicted. No, don't. Nay, nay and thrice nay! Oh, please yourself!

Oh! I forgot to say, you have to read today's post whilst pretending to be Frankie Howerd. Sorry.