The News: POKÉMON GO BLOW SNOW LOW BLOW July 20, 2016 11:36


Bright yellow, Pokémon ecstasy E tablets are flooding the European dance-floors. According to Thump, who accorded the following information to The Mirror, Pokémon disco biscuits are a mix of MDMA and 2CB, which is - the last time I looked - a fucking pencil.

Thump are either talking out of their arses or these Pokémon pills are the most dangerous pingers known to man. If an e now contains MDMA and pencil lead, ravers will be turning into corpses quicker than you can say Leah Betts. They're probably alright though, to be honest. You can't get that much lead in an approximately 1cm square hug drug, especially if they're already loaded up with a high dose of mandy.

My advice to anyone reading this, which is about three of you, is to only drop a Pokémon bean about three hours after your mates have done theirs. If they're rolling and peaking and looking ok with it, then you can definitely double-drop. If they're dead, sell your vowels on to someone else.

I telephoned Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live for his thoughts. He responded, "Nah bruv. 2C-B or 2,5-dimethoxy-4-bromophenethylamine is a psychedelic drug of the 2C family, mate. It makes you see things, you know what I mean? You're thinking of 2B; a grade on the graphite scale used to determine the hardness of the pencil/lead core. You coming to Dominator next we..." I quickly hung up the phone and cursed my inaccurate drugs reporting.

It's Thursday tomorrow.