I Am The Dance News Czar August 24, 2016 09:30

Sadiq Khan has advertised a job on his website. It's for something called a Night Czar, which is Russian for Head of Clubbing. The daft cunt is paying £35k per year for two and a half days work per week. LOLoutLOUD.

Everyone on my Facebook is saying Dan Beaumont should be applying (please use the hashtag #DanWeCan on your social media), but I was wondering whether the Night Czar is something I should be applying for instead. This is from the job description:

The Night Czar will have proven leadership ability, public profile and convening power, plus a thorough understanding of the night time economy and the ability to work in a political environment.

Let's have a look at my CV:

Proven leadership ability - I lead the successful running of this daily blog. I ran the extremely busy Weekly Review of Dance Music for four and a half years. I practically run the Ran$om Note website, ghost-writing many of the different columns and features. I've got two younger sisters that I dominate. Nobody has been able to beat me on Twitter in the five years I've been on it. I've crushed "journalists" from Mixmag and VICE repeatedly. I owned the RA threads for two years before starting the Weekly Review of Dance Music (I think someone called Proangelwings owns it all now *embarrassed for everyone emoji*). I am a leader.

Public profile - My blog, the Weekly Review of Dance Music, was once Blog of the Week in The Guardian. I was once on a panel to decide what the future of music journalism is at LEME. I once hosted a very successful pub quiz at Farmfest. I once hosted an ill-fated podcast with Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live and Perc's missus. I once made an appearance in Streets of Shame in Private Eye (as the wronged person, not as a baddie). About a month ago, I turned down the opportunity to interview Super Hans for The Guardian because his management company are fucking weirdos who kept trying to get me to push a shit indie band on here and the Ran$om Note. I'm as public as they get.

Convening power - I don't know what that means.

A thorough understanding of the night time economy - I've been paying money to get into clubs since 1999, that's about twenty seven years of knowing how much it is to get into a club, and how much ecstasy E tablets are (was £5 per pill in the club until around 2010/2011, you're now paying a tenner, Sadiq). Since writing as Tonka, I've gained a thorough understanding of what to do to get on guest-lists for clubs, clubs like Oval Space, which is hosting the incredible 15th birthday for Secretsundaze on Sunday afternoon (tickets available here). Prosumer, Nick Höppner and Jane Fitz will all be playing 3-hour sets from 6pm, and there'll be a very special 4-hour b2b session to close the party after Giles and James have freestyled the fuck out of the outdoor terrace in the blazing sun all afternoon.

The ability to work in a political environment - In 2013, I got chatting to the then MP for Bermondsey, Simon Hughes, outside the Refinery in Southwark. It was the Christmas party season, we'd all had a bit to drink and he CONTENT REMOVED BY HOTFLUSH LAWYERS up the bins down the side of Tate Modern at about 1am. Fucking true story, that. The dirty old get.

Sadiq, get in touch. I'm not filling out the form on your website. You know where I am. Make that call, mate. I could definitely do this daily blog and Tonka's Week on a Friday AS WELL AS the 2.5 days you're asking for as Night Czar, as long as it's not over the weekend.

Wish me luck, guys. If I don't get short-listed, I'm smashing up every remaining nightclub in London with my massive sledgehammer - which should take me about one afternoon.