Tonka's XXXmas Merchandise December 07, 2016 10:45

Get your wallets and your purses out and get in before this lot SELLS OUT quicker than a DJ begging for votes on social media in November. I've crafted some lovely Christmas merchandise for you to buy for your loved ones, and if you think you've seen this post before, on another website, you're wrong, because you haven't.

Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live Christmas Jumper

Modelled here by Jon Snow off of Channel 4 Drugs Live, this Shabs from Channel 4 Drugs Live Christmas jumper would make even the grumpiest fucker on earth (that bloke out of Scrooged) feel festive. Look at the tummy. Shabs has cheekily pulled on a pair of novelty reindeer horns and ears, and is URGING you to enjoy Christmas.

This 100% cotton - and some wool - elasticated, machine washable pullover is long sleeved with a ribbed trim AND a crew neck, and with 26% viscose in it, you're guaranteed to have the paralytic office party blart all over you at the Christmas party or your money back.

£25.00 each

Spencer Parker, DVS1, DJ Pete and Len Faki Novelty Crackers

Make your Christmas dinner go BANG with these hilarious novelty DJ crackers. All you need to do is pull one end whilst someone else at the dinner table pulls the other end. If you both pull hard enough, the middle of the cracker will go BANG, and a dance music-related joke will fall out. All you'll then need to do is read the joke out loud and everyone will fall about clutching their sides.

The Spencer Parker, DVS1, DJ Pete and Len Faki Novelty Crackers are guaranteed to deliver belly laughs or your money back

£25.00 per box

Official Hotflush Bootleg Star Wars Lightsabers: Sabre Swords.
To get around Disney and Lucasfilm getting all uppity about me appropriating their intellectual property, I've cleverly called these Hotflush bootleg lightsabers, Sabre Swords. LOLoutLOUD. Get out of that one, George. There's not a judge in the land who'd send me down for selling neon, flashing Sabre Swords at a fraction of the price you can buy a lightsaber for down Toys R Us.

Your kids will love pretending to be Yado, the little green munchkin who fights King Fader, the big, black robot ruler of the galaxy. These two cunts battle to the death for the right to call themselves the Force Rebel and fly the magical space ship, the Death Ship. In my head, Yado wins and when he takes King Fader's mask off, King Fader tells him that he's actually his uncle. Yado then confronts his aunty, Princess Lynn, and demands to know who the man he'd been calling "Uncle Sam" all his life really is. Princess Lynn tells Yado that Uncle Sam is actually King Fader's stepdad, and King Fader had abandoned him as a kid to join the baddies. After that, I don't know where the story could go.

£25.00 each

The Nights Before, During and After Christmas DVD starring Brandi Love and Tonka

One for the grown-ups. This is my first foray into the world of adult entertainment, and it was an honour to share the stage/kitchen floor with the legendary Brandi Love.

Christmas cums early (I don't mean prematurely though) in this wild, sex romp video set on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. When Tonka (played expertly by Tonka) hears something on the roof of his house, he initially thinks it's Christmas Eve burglars, so he creeps downstairs to the living room in just his tight-fitting boxer shorts to protect his massive Christmas tree from being robbed. However, he gets the surprise of his life when none other than Santa's wife, Mrs. XXXmas (played expertly by Brandi Love), tumbles down the chimney! She quickly explains who she is and informs Tonka that Santa can't do the rounds this year due to being too old, too slow and "too fucking ugly."

The next three hours show what happens when you put a fit, well hung dance writer in the same house as an older, bored and horny housewife on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

For the role, I put on a really deep American accent. It just sounds better than hearing a West Midlands one in a porn video. Brandi Love set her accent deeper than usual as well. Read the next bit of dialogue from the film in a really deep American accent, and you'll get an idea of how erotic this DVD is:

Tonka - Don't cha feel bad about all them kids in the world waking up today with nothing under their Christmas trees?

Mrs. XXXmas - I don't give a fucking shit, Tonka. I just want that fucking cock in my ass.

Let's just say that if you like watching Christmas films that show - in graphic detail - missionary positions, 69s, her on top, from behind, doggy style, backwards cowgirl, licking out, rimming, tea-bagging, facials, swallowing, blow jobs, rainbow kissing, tops and fingers, mutual foreplay, spitting, pissing, role play, tits, tossing the salad, cream pies, anal, nipple play, face sitting, raw...well, I don't want to go into too much detail, but you get my drift. Winking smiley face.

£25.00 each

Good stuff, eh? Contact me through telekinetics if you want to buy any of it, and I'll DEFINITELY sort you out.