Welcome back, Tonka July 26, 2016 09:11

Hey everyone! Great to be back (Imagine me jogging back onto the stage with my shirt sleeves rolled up, frantically sweeping my hair back with my fingers and laughing. I'm modestly telling you to be quiet now by showing you the palms of my hands and feigning a frown, occasionally shushing you all and rolling my eyes)!

Yes, I'm back from Butlin's and I'm BETTER than ever. I'm in training, you see. Only I'm headlining Farm Festival on Friday night with Kowton and Young Fathers. My pub quiz, Tonka's MASSIVE QUESTIONS, is on at the alternative festival headline slot of 8pm (my choice) so as not to clash with the other headliners. I'm the nicest man in dance.

The last time I appeared at an event I died on my arse, but that's no reason to choose to go and see someone else at 8pm on Friday night if you're going to Farm Festival (tickets available here). As the old saying goes: second time lucky. Tonka's MASSIVE QUESTIONS is going to be a success because I'm using the American technique of visualising (or visualizing if you live in New York). Visualising means simply seeing an under-prepared festival pub quiz in your head and then watching it all pan out brilliantly in your head with no hitches, no stage-fright and a supportive audience of young and trendy, well-to-do arseholes willing you on to do a unique and special show in your head. All you then have to do is copy exactly what you saw in your head when the show starts. Simples. No problemo.

Tiger Woods swears by it. And Scuba. And if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for Tonka. Right. Better get back to writing these general knowledge questions...what does the acronym POLO stand for...?